Oh Mother

I pride myself on my work and I think I can really bring a character alive, in most cases.  You want to be dominated by a fiery red head in 5 inch heels?  I am on it!  Looking for that housewife who's secretly cheating on you and you wanna stroke to the tormenting ideas of all the nasty things she's doing and how much more she's enjoying it with the neighbor than with you?  Bring it! Babysitter? Corporate slut? Dirty older sister? I can make it happen.  But one character I regularly struggle with - Moms.

I get about 2 calls a month where the whisper message ( I answer the phone and hear a 1 sentence summary of what the caller is looking for. "you are an eager young college student with a tight teen pussy" or 'you have gigantic boobs.  No smaller than FF's") saying "you are a stay at home mom in this, you are a MILF" and I tense up.  What does that mean?  If you wanted me to be your mom I could do that.  Sweet - I give you some spankings for being a bad boy, you get turned on, I laugh at you and end up seducing you bla bla bla.  But when the caller just wants A mom, what do they really want?  So much of the opening of a call goes into saying what you were just doing.  It sets your character.  If I'm a college student I just got out of class.  I'm a horny housewife I just did the laundry or got back from grocery shopping.  It's obvious I'm filling that role you requested.  No one wants to start talking for 10 minutes to some random girl who was just back from the gym and you thought she was the hot young college student and she later mentions that she just bought this house and got a great interest rate on it, or she just seduced her corporate boss.  So lay it out early. Make it obvious what you are.  But what does that mean for a stay at home mom?

My mom didn't stay at home and I don't have kids, so sadly all of my concepts about stay at home moms are from stereotypes in my mind.  I stay at home, kids are running all over the house, I clean up messes non stop, I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I listen to kids shows all day long....where does the sexy phone sex image work into this?  This is one area that I don't have any idea of any of the sexy stereotypes  might go.  Needless to say, my callers are usually quick to end the conversation.

On a side note- I also sometimes struggle with the giant boob calls.  They are really rare to get, but when I imagine having amazingly large boobs all I catch myself thinking of is how many things in life would be different.  Bra buying would be a struggle and everything would be specialty.  I'd never want to lay on my stomach and I'm not even sure if I could wear a bikini or tank top.  What are the rest of my proportions?  If I'm 5'2, do my boobs go down to my knees? How far back do I have to have the seat of the car to fit them behind the steering wheel, but can my legs reach the pedals then?  None of these thoughts help me bring a woman with state fair winning pumpkin sized breasts to life in a sexy manner either.

Grape Expectations.

Today I spoke with a caller who looooooves having grapes stuck up his ass.  I'm gathering it might be the only way for him to climax is feeling or thinking about those grapes.  I spend a lot of time thinking about this guy because he calls to chat about normal things for about 15 minutes and then always leads the conversation to grapes.  It's fascinating to see how he's engineered any topic to ultimately lead to them.

Examples: How his holiday was---> Weather in TX-->Vacation plans to go to Canada to wineries---> Icewine---> Grapes in his ass.  

or

Bad day at work---> went to the gym----> favorite team won football game----> Potential excitement about the superbowl---> Superbowl commercials---> remember the California Raisins? ---> amazing how raisins are just dehydrated grapes---> grapes up his ass.  

He reminds me of the guy who goes to buy porn at the sleazy gas station, but also buys peanut butter, razors, taco shells, windex and oregano.  oh yeah and one 'Giant Jiggly Jugggs' and 'Ball draining cum sluts' please.  Like the windex and oregano eased into the porn somehow.  Oh! Naturally you'd want those to go with the taco shells and 5lbs of grapes.  Obviously.

But I also spend time wondering - how?  How do you learn you love grapes shoved up your ass?  What leads to this?  Was it experimentation for years and the grapes won out over the trials he had with other fruit?  Kumquats are more durable, but expensive, and the bananas made him feel awkward about his sexuality and eating his mothers banana bread.  Grapes - ah, neutral, small and not usually baked into goods.  

How do you get the grapes in there? I imagine them to smash quite often and is that good? or frustrating?

But most importantly - how do you find a woman to be into that as well.  When do you tell her?  If his need for them is as intense as he makes it sound on the phone, it has to be before/ during the first time you guys have sex or there wont be a second time.  Is all of the conversation practice for working up to tell someone in real life?  

Fascinating stuff.

That will be $45 to please me.

I'm constantly surprised by how many guys want to focus on pleasing the woman when they call in for phone sex.  I'm a huge advocate and fan of mutual pleasure, and it's in my nature to want to please, so I get the more the other person is into something you're doing, the hotter it is, but man!  These guys will call and just talk for 30 minutes at a time about all the awesome things they are going to do to various parts of me.  If I even bring up reciprocating they are likely to shush me and go back to the intense detail of nibbling on the inside of my knee. 
   
     And these guys aren't super submissive slave types either.  They aren't asking me to humiliate them or to own them in any way.  They just genuinely want to spend their time talking about all the ways they would make a woman orgasm.  It can start to feel a little heavy - I've always been someone who would be in their shoes in bed and really working hard to drive up the pleasure of my partner, and knowing im blowing their mind is what makes me get the most built up and excited for all the things to follow.  So having to be on the other end and have someone (even if it's just over the phone) work so hard to give me pleasure is actually a bit of work for me. 

It's crazy to imagine the amount of money these guys are paying to please women. 

my filthiest dirtiest nastiest thing I've ever done...

Boy, do I hate being asked what the dirtiest filthiest naughtiest thing I've ever done is.  Not so much in normal conversation with genuinely curious folks, but more when it's asked in a coy excited voice by a caller.  There is so much psychology in phone sex, and each caller wants their dream woman to answer the phone, and just happen to be perfectly into (but not too into) all the fun dirty (but not too dirty) things they are into.  On any given day I talk to a caller who desperately wants to have his grandmother fuck him with a 10" strap on, to another who wants me to walk through dog shit in highheel boots and force him to lick it off while I laugh at him to a caller who wants me to pee in his mouth and then kick him in the head.  And everyone else in between.  So when a call has just begun, and the caller slyly asks me if I'm a naughty girl, I can safely and confidently say 'yes.'  When they ask just how naughty am I, I can usually answer in coy vague terms.  When they come out and ask me to describe the filthiest, naughtiest thing I've ever done - well now they've done it.  Their idea of sexy naughty limits is me having a threesome with my college room mate and the janitor of the dorm building, and I overshoot and start talking about grandmas and urine - major turn off. 

          On the other hand, not saying naughty enough things can cause a similar reaction.  Many of these callers want to feel normal about their fetishes and nothing is hotter than someone else suggesting the crazy thing you also find hot.  So as these callers are feeling me out, it can be dangerous to undersell too much and answer the naughtiest kinkiest thing ever as 'one time I let my x-girlfriend tie me up and spank me' when they need someone as dirty and kinky as them, who's into wearing gasmasks during sex and shoving wine bottles up each other's asses. 

I wish I could just say I'm as dirty as you want me to be, now lets not judge and get to the phone sex already.

Family bonding

So, yesterday, I'm 90% sure my father-in-law called the phonesex line I work for.  He has a pretty unique name, and a fairly distinctive voice and this guy had both of those qualities.  Let's call him 'Shannon'.  I did my usual coy answering of the line in my flirty voice and an unnervingly familiar voice boomed back "This is Shannon! Who's this!?"  I was so startled I almost dropped the phone.  For a brief horrifying second I wondered if I had been confused and mistakenly read the caller ID and just assumed it was the phone sex line when it may have read clearly FAMILY - HUSBANDS DAD.  But I gathered my wits and realized this wasn't true, I had even had a whisper message introducing him.  I swallowed hard and tried to keep my sexy demeanor in my voice and answered sweetly - 'Hi! I'm May."

Shannon went on to tell me he liked going down on women and wanted to make me cum in his mouth.  I was so flustered hearing the same voice I normally hear bellowing 'merry christmas' at the holidays talking dirty to me.  I made some noises agreeing and then asked what else he was into.  He said we should 69 and he wanted to fuck my mouth.  GAH!  It's ok, just focus on the job, not on the client.  This isn't Shannon the 50 something lovable father-in-law, this is just a dude who sounds JUST like him.  The call was short, thankfully, and in the time of 4 minutes we talked about 69ing, fucking my mouth, cumming on my tits, and me pushing him over and fucking him in the ass.  We were obviously quite efficient with our time.

I hung up the phone and felt so startled.  I wished half heartedly that he had been one of the kind of callers that likes to chat a bit, and share some info - where he was calling from, how old he was, etc.  The assumption is the worst, I think at least.  Knowing for sure would put me in a different mind set all together.  The super frustrating thing is that no one knows I'm doing phone sex, so I couldn't tell my husband when I saw him last night, nor can I tell any of my friends.  Even my best friend is totally unaware, but it's one of those bits of news that FEELS so much more substantial than it really is, and it rests on the tip of my tongue constantly.

The upside is that I won't feel compelled to have to get the father in law a Christmas gift this year.

A cozy vagina with good location and charming landscaping touches.

I always hesitate to ask callers to describe themselves to me.  If for whatever reason they happen to have low self esteem about their image, I worry that asking could make them nervous and stressed.  But I also reason that having a woman 'oooh' and 'ahhh' about their description and later comment on running her fingers through his blonde hair could be a nice touch.  So I go either way.  I usually only ask them if they don't ask me to describe myself first.  I'm always intrigued by the guys who never ask or seem to want to know.  Guys are supposed to be so visual. 

 Yesterday I got a very visual caller who eagerly listened to my heavily detailed description of my hair, height, measurements, freckles, - all the basics.  He then asked me "And what does your pussy look like?".  I was immediately puzzled.  I've had a fair number of callers ask me to describe my nipples or breasts in more detail.  They usually are wanting super gigantoid saucer sized areolas  and nipples as broad and prominent as a man's thumb.  So I get that.  But to describe my vagina?  It seemed easy at first - I used all the normal adjectives you would want to hear - hot, tight, wet, smooth, soft......ummmm did I mention smooth?  The man listened and remained silent waiting for more visuals.  "umm, and it's got really nice sexy outter lips.  uh, the vulva I think it's called.".  "Go on." The man prompted pleasantly.  "Oh, well it's tan...you know, like the rest of me.  I'm naturally tan all over, so no tan lines for me! Ha Ha..heh..um."

"And?  What else?" 

Now, I am by no means an expert on what all the different vaginas in the world look like.  Not by a long stretch, but I have seen a handful and in the big picture they all looked pretty similar.  I mean, I'm sure they are all special unique snowflakes and have different wrinkles and folds and things, but over all the anatomy is the same.  But to be fair, I also haven't spent a lot of time just looking at them.  Just studying them as though I was going to draw a still life.  So I might have been missing out on very important nuances that set them all apart.  But what I'm struggling with now is - what words can be used to describe now that isn't unappealing sounding?  Oh you know, it's got these folds of skin, and some flaps here and there.  Fleshy, wrinkle, - none of these words sound hot to me.  I bought some more time talking about my clit, but the caller kept steering the talk back to the vagina specifically.  "But what does it look like?"  I started to build a theory that the man had actually perhaps never seen a woman's vagina, in which case I guess words like 'hot, wet, and smooth' wouldn't cut it for creating imagery.  I gritted my teeth and dove fully in, describing the vagina and all it's nooks and crannies focusing more on the details and less on the glamorizing. With the help of my trusty copy of Anatomica, I was able to hit every spot. When I had finally run out of things to describe I paused meaningfully and the guy sighed and said "mmmm, sounds lovely.  Thanks!" and hung up.

Mr. Onomatopoeia

I just got off the phone with an interesting gentleman.  In many ways he was a dream customer because he did a majority of the talking, and that's always nice.  However, early on it became apparent that he says out loud the sound effects of the pretend sex we are having.  So for example, we are having sex doggie style, and he tells me he's slapping my ass.  Normally in this situation I'll slap my wrist to give the sound effect and ensure the caller can hear how involved I am in this fantasy.  However before I could do it the guy starts shouting 'SLAP! SLAP SLAP!' in between what started as a normal sounding grunt but progressed into the Tim the Toolman's trademark grunt ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAhVmjptZMI&NR=1)  I think the noises and faces we make while fucking are totally in context when involved in the act, but when you look at the face or hear the noises out of the act, they seem laughable or frightening sounding.

Later he was telling me how wet my pussy was, that he could hear his "cock sloshing inside my pussy" and then said "SLOSH SLOSH SLOSH" Wow.  Firstly, what woman EVER wants to hear the word 'slosh' in the same breath as her girlie goods?  The word slosh makes me think of a bucket, which isn't the sexiest thing I like to compare my goods to.  Secondly - slosh slosh slosh?  Surely this guy doesn't do this during 'real' sex right?  He did also tell me he was sliding his cock in and then he was gonna "wiggle it around in there".  That wording makes my vaginas self esteem go down, and makes me squirm with discomfort all at the same time.

The rest of the call had hits such as 'Bam!', 'Pound' and a rerun of the original favorite "Slap".