That will be $45 to please me.

I'm constantly surprised by how many guys want to focus on pleasing the woman when they call in for phone sex.  I'm a huge advocate and fan of mutual pleasure, and it's in my nature to want to please, so I get the more the other person is into something you're doing, the hotter it is, but man!  These guys will call and just talk for 30 minutes at a time about all the awesome things they are going to do to various parts of me.  If I even bring up reciprocating they are likely to shush me and go back to the intense detail of nibbling on the inside of my knee. 
   
     And these guys aren't super submissive slave types either.  They aren't asking me to humiliate them or to own them in any way.  They just genuinely want to spend their time talking about all the ways they would make a woman orgasm.  It can start to feel a little heavy - I've always been someone who would be in their shoes in bed and really working hard to drive up the pleasure of my partner, and knowing im blowing their mind is what makes me get the most built up and excited for all the things to follow.  So having to be on the other end and have someone (even if it's just over the phone) work so hard to give me pleasure is actually a bit of work for me. 

It's crazy to imagine the amount of money these guys are paying to please women. 

my filthiest dirtiest nastiest thing I've ever done...

Boy, do I hate being asked what the dirtiest filthiest naughtiest thing I've ever done is.  Not so much in normal conversation with genuinely curious folks, but more when it's asked in a coy excited voice by a caller.  There is so much psychology in phone sex, and each caller wants their dream woman to answer the phone, and just happen to be perfectly into (but not too into) all the fun dirty (but not too dirty) things they are into.  On any given day I talk to a caller who desperately wants to have his grandmother fuck him with a 10" strap on, to another who wants me to walk through dog shit in highheel boots and force him to lick it off while I laugh at him to a caller who wants me to pee in his mouth and then kick him in the head.  And everyone else in between.  So when a call has just begun, and the caller slyly asks me if I'm a naughty girl, I can safely and confidently say 'yes.'  When they ask just how naughty am I, I can usually answer in coy vague terms.  When they come out and ask me to describe the filthiest, naughtiest thing I've ever done - well now they've done it.  Their idea of sexy naughty limits is me having a threesome with my college room mate and the janitor of the dorm building, and I overshoot and start talking about grandmas and urine - major turn off. 

          On the other hand, not saying naughty enough things can cause a similar reaction.  Many of these callers want to feel normal about their fetishes and nothing is hotter than someone else suggesting the crazy thing you also find hot.  So as these callers are feeling me out, it can be dangerous to undersell too much and answer the naughtiest kinkiest thing ever as 'one time I let my x-girlfriend tie me up and spank me' when they need someone as dirty and kinky as them, who's into wearing gasmasks during sex and shoving wine bottles up each other's asses. 

I wish I could just say I'm as dirty as you want me to be, now lets not judge and get to the phone sex already.

Family bonding

So, yesterday, I'm 90% sure my father-in-law called the phonesex line I work for.  He has a pretty unique name, and a fairly distinctive voice and this guy had both of those qualities.  Let's call him 'Shannon'.  I did my usual coy answering of the line in my flirty voice and an unnervingly familiar voice boomed back "This is Shannon! Who's this!?"  I was so startled I almost dropped the phone.  For a brief horrifying second I wondered if I had been confused and mistakenly read the caller ID and just assumed it was the phone sex line when it may have read clearly FAMILY - HUSBANDS DAD.  But I gathered my wits and realized this wasn't true, I had even had a whisper message introducing him.  I swallowed hard and tried to keep my sexy demeanor in my voice and answered sweetly - 'Hi! I'm May."

Shannon went on to tell me he liked going down on women and wanted to make me cum in his mouth.  I was so flustered hearing the same voice I normally hear bellowing 'merry christmas' at the holidays talking dirty to me.  I made some noises agreeing and then asked what else he was into.  He said we should 69 and he wanted to fuck my mouth.  GAH!  It's ok, just focus on the job, not on the client.  This isn't Shannon the 50 something lovable father-in-law, this is just a dude who sounds JUST like him.  The call was short, thankfully, and in the time of 4 minutes we talked about 69ing, fucking my mouth, cumming on my tits, and me pushing him over and fucking him in the ass.  We were obviously quite efficient with our time.

I hung up the phone and felt so startled.  I wished half heartedly that he had been one of the kind of callers that likes to chat a bit, and share some info - where he was calling from, how old he was, etc.  The assumption is the worst, I think at least.  Knowing for sure would put me in a different mind set all together.  The super frustrating thing is that no one knows I'm doing phone sex, so I couldn't tell my husband when I saw him last night, nor can I tell any of my friends.  Even my best friend is totally unaware, but it's one of those bits of news that FEELS so much more substantial than it really is, and it rests on the tip of my tongue constantly.

The upside is that I won't feel compelled to have to get the father in law a Christmas gift this year.

A cozy vagina with good location and charming landscaping touches.

I always hesitate to ask callers to describe themselves to me.  If for whatever reason they happen to have low self esteem about their image, I worry that asking could make them nervous and stressed.  But I also reason that having a woman 'oooh' and 'ahhh' about their description and later comment on running her fingers through his blonde hair could be a nice touch.  So I go either way.  I usually only ask them if they don't ask me to describe myself first.  I'm always intrigued by the guys who never ask or seem to want to know.  Guys are supposed to be so visual. 

 Yesterday I got a very visual caller who eagerly listened to my heavily detailed description of my hair, height, measurements, freckles, - all the basics.  He then asked me "And what does your pussy look like?".  I was immediately puzzled.  I've had a fair number of callers ask me to describe my nipples or breasts in more detail.  They usually are wanting super gigantoid saucer sized areolas  and nipples as broad and prominent as a man's thumb.  So I get that.  But to describe my vagina?  It seemed easy at first - I used all the normal adjectives you would want to hear - hot, tight, wet, smooth, soft......ummmm did I mention smooth?  The man listened and remained silent waiting for more visuals.  "umm, and it's got really nice sexy outter lips.  uh, the vulva I think it's called.".  "Go on." The man prompted pleasantly.  "Oh, well it's tan...you know, like the rest of me.  I'm naturally tan all over, so no tan lines for me! Ha Ha..heh..um."

"And?  What else?" 

Now, I am by no means an expert on what all the different vaginas in the world look like.  Not by a long stretch, but I have seen a handful and in the big picture they all looked pretty similar.  I mean, I'm sure they are all special unique snowflakes and have different wrinkles and folds and things, but over all the anatomy is the same.  But to be fair, I also haven't spent a lot of time just looking at them.  Just studying them as though I was going to draw a still life.  So I might have been missing out on very important nuances that set them all apart.  But what I'm struggling with now is - what words can be used to describe now that isn't unappealing sounding?  Oh you know, it's got these folds of skin, and some flaps here and there.  Fleshy, wrinkle, - none of these words sound hot to me.  I bought some more time talking about my clit, but the caller kept steering the talk back to the vagina specifically.  "But what does it look like?"  I started to build a theory that the man had actually perhaps never seen a woman's vagina, in which case I guess words like 'hot, wet, and smooth' wouldn't cut it for creating imagery.  I gritted my teeth and dove fully in, describing the vagina and all it's nooks and crannies focusing more on the details and less on the glamorizing. With the help of my trusty copy of Anatomica, I was able to hit every spot. When I had finally run out of things to describe I paused meaningfully and the guy sighed and said "mmmm, sounds lovely.  Thanks!" and hung up.

Mr. Onomatopoeia

I just got off the phone with an interesting gentleman.  In many ways he was a dream customer because he did a majority of the talking, and that's always nice.  However, early on it became apparent that he says out loud the sound effects of the pretend sex we are having.  So for example, we are having sex doggie style, and he tells me he's slapping my ass.  Normally in this situation I'll slap my wrist to give the sound effect and ensure the caller can hear how involved I am in this fantasy.  However before I could do it the guy starts shouting 'SLAP! SLAP SLAP!' in between what started as a normal sounding grunt but progressed into the Tim the Toolman's trademark grunt ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAhVmjptZMI&NR=1)  I think the noises and faces we make while fucking are totally in context when involved in the act, but when you look at the face or hear the noises out of the act, they seem laughable or frightening sounding.

Later he was telling me how wet my pussy was, that he could hear his "cock sloshing inside my pussy" and then said "SLOSH SLOSH SLOSH" Wow.  Firstly, what woman EVER wants to hear the word 'slosh' in the same breath as her girlie goods?  The word slosh makes me think of a bucket, which isn't the sexiest thing I like to compare my goods to.  Secondly - slosh slosh slosh?  Surely this guy doesn't do this during 'real' sex right?  He did also tell me he was sliding his cock in and then he was gonna "wiggle it around in there".  That wording makes my vaginas self esteem go down, and makes me squirm with discomfort all at the same time.

The rest of the call had hits such as 'Bam!', 'Pound' and a rerun of the original favorite "Slap".

Paying to mock people

One of the things that fascinates me the most about working in phone sex is the variety of people who call just to talk.  The world is full of the guys who want to just talk about sex, and then verbally fuck.  Some are more economical than others and are already almost there and just need about 45 seconds of hearing a woman's voice to finish the job.  Others start off cold and are almost as though they just made a sandwich, are sitting down for a nice afternoon and anticipated that in a while they may be horny.  Those are more difficult because it's hard to feel them out.  I don't wanna start asking them about work or if they've seen the series Battlestar Galactica if they had hoped to eventually start having phone sex and now somethings gone horribly wrong.  But you also don't want to start going in depth about how hard your nipples are and detailing the panties you're wearing to a guy who is bored and just wants to talk about the history of Jazz and has it reached it's peak already, and if so, is it dead yet or still dying.  Those kind of guys always seem freaked out when you mention how listening to jazz makes you so horny and start moaning.  So you have to feel them out.

The bottom line is - they are all paying for the discussion.  Usually I'm thrilled to have someone who just wants to talk in general.  A surprising number want to talk about their wives.  And in a weirder sweeter way than you might be imagining.  They talk about the perfume she wears, the first Christmas they had together and the horrible sweater she tried to make for him, how much she works and how stressed out her idiot co workers make her.  It's fascinating and often times I'm left wondering if the woman I'm hearing about for 12 minutes exists outside of that phone call.

But the most unique use of paid minutes would have to go to the guy who called just to mock men who call phone sex lines.  He started off acting like he wanted to talk about sex and once I went down that line and started talking about the wet undies he said 'oh jeez, come ON!  Do guys really call and talk about sex with you?'  I tried to not take it personally on my performance.  I told him, yes, yes they did.  He challenged me to get him off, actually dared me to.  I pointed out that there was no way I could make him cum if he didn't want to and that's not really the point.  The point is people who want to get off and talk to a person while doing it use this service.  He asked me how many guys I talk to a day and flipped out when I answered at least 5 and usually 13-20.  He asked how many guys I'd gotten off before he had called and I told him around 4 and he sounded as though he was putting his hands over his ears or eyes and he said "BLEEECcccch! That's just crazy!  Why can't these guys jack off on their own?  Why do they have to pay to have someone pretend to slap their ass and moan?  What's wrong with these guys?  I guess they just aren't getting what they need at on the home front, eh?"  I told him I didn't think there was anything wrong with them, but that it enhances the enjoyment of the moment knowing someone else is really into what you're into, and really if your you're into squeezing lemon juice into your eyes and crying while a woman dressds as a girl you knew in 10th grade who worked at McDonalds blows you and then takes a dump on your chest - it can be really hard to find someone else who's into it with you.   The guy didn't know and seemed to be shaking his head.  He asked if I'm 400 lbs and actually doing the dishes the whole time I'm moaning and pretending to be into all these 'fucked up illusions' and I told him no.  That's what helps make me a better phone sex operator, I think.  I genuinely enjoy getting people aroused or off.  If you think what we are doing is sexy, even if it's just us describing crochet patterns, then odds are I'm turned on to some degree.   The caller couldn't believe it and repeatedly asked why these 'wacko loser guys' had to 'pay to call some fat broad to moan and yell' and again challenged me to get him make him hard.  I couldn't tell if this is what this guy was into- was I just misreading this guys fantasy and it's elaborately created world of him calling to mock other guys who use phone sex to get off? The guys 15 minute call ended abruptly as his prepaid time ran out.  I hoped he would call back, but sadly he didn't.  I guess he just doesn't get the opportunity to mock others back at home and had to pay for it.

olive what he's having.

A man calls and vaguely implies that he’d like to fantasize about having his ass licked.  Implies in the manner that makes me assume ‘while we are doing other things like fucking and blowjobs and things, I’d like my ass licked.” Like if you were in an italian restaurant ordering and you said ‘well, last time I had a lot of olives and it was really good.’  You would assume he just wants extra olives.  But no.  This guy just wanted olives.  Nothing else.  When I first moved the conversation to sex or head he mentioned he just really wanted the ass licking.  oh.  So you just want olives?
1) why didn’t you say that? 2) who wants just olives?   but ok, so you just want olives....surely you wouldn’t want to just sit all night eating olives.  Who sits around for 45 minutes eating just olives?  This dude.  He wanted 45 minutes straight of just talking about me licking his ass.  Have you ever tried to describe a simple action for 45 minutes and kept it from sounding like you were a skipping record?  It became difficult to keep the desperation out of my voice around 20 minutes in as I was thinking up alternative words to lick, tongue, slide, asshole, and rim.  So you would think that if a guy is THIS crazy about olives, that he would really love the fuck out of them, right?  Like ‘oh shit! YES! god i love these olives! more! mmm sweet jesus.”  but no.  This guy sat quietly the whole time and on rare occasions would say in a perfectly monotone voice ‘yes may. That’s quite nice’  as though he were telling someone ‘why yes, my socks are new. Thank you.’
So for 45 minutes I struggle, pantingly talking about the unbridled enthusiasm I’m licking this guys ass hole and NOTHING else while he sounds like he is arranging his paperclip collection.  Weird.  

And so it begins.

my phone rings.  I answer on the first couple of bars of the song I use as a ringer.  I hear the 'whisper' message on the other end.  "Hard Core Sex Call, Press 1 to connect to your Hard Core Sex Call."  I push 1 and begin my work day.

      In any given day I talk to about 5-20 guys (and sometimes women) in a 5-7 hour period.  They range all over the board from angry 'masculine' guys who want to demean the woman they're fucking, to blatantly bi or gay guys who want to talk about doing other dudes with a frank openness, to secretly gay or bi guys who have to pretend like I suggested they suck cocks for my pleasure and my pleasure alone, to totally bizarre off the wall people involving gas masks, piss, and mother's Sunday dress.  And of course, everything in between.

They all involve secrets - some whispered out loud, and others not spoken at all.  Why are they calling this phone sex line?  Are they lonely?  Dysfunctional? Heartbroken? Terrified?  Some of the callers confide that they are recently divorced, or talk about a previous girlfriend with such reverence or fervor it's obvious that for the next 20 minutes I'll be portraying her.

Other secrets come out during the sexual discussion.  Things start out 'normally' enough but at some point, usually earlier than later, he starts asking demands posing as questions.  'You just had sex before I got here, didn't you?", "Does your neighbor ever peek in and watch you fuck", "Did my mother walk in on us having sex last Thanksgiving?"  In the real world, all of these statement/questions would either A) Sound like an accusation and probably end the sex promptly, B) Make you become worried that he saw something outside, or that he's getting overly paranoid, OR that he has something for the neighbor, C) Worry about his memory, since he can't seem to recall the major event of having his mother encounter the two of us having sex in the cranberry sauce on Thanksgiving.  And while one cannot be blamed for striking that from their memory from pure traumatization, one could get tired of him always asking to confirm his hazy suspicion of why he can't use his mothers gravy ladle any more.

the crucial key of being a phone sex operator is to pick up on these and know how to respond.  The man asking if I had sex before he got here may be wanting a secret bashful cum whore, who is demure enough to look down and whisper a sultry 'yes' to his questioning.  But who knows?  It may also be the time to pipe up a bold 'And HOW!' and come up with a rousing story of a traveling marching band that had lost its way and stopped by your house for directions and to, er, wet their whistles.  But what do you pick up and what do you lay down?  Nothing can deflate the conversation when you misread a clue given by the customer.  He casually mentions liking to be with older women and you eagerly start describing how hot it would be to see him getting it on with an octogenarian, when he was thinking of a 40 year old MILF.

And then there are the ones that don't give you anything to work with at all.  You answer in your best chipper hello and get a quiet greeting back.  You ask what they are up to today and you can almost see the shrug across the phone.  You grasp around for something, anything this guy wants to talk about - he is after all the one paying per minute, and finally start just describing things you would do to him.  The silence spans on, not even heavy breathing to encourage you.  It's a one woman show, a monologue of hot sexual fantasies written for a stranger who never gave the essay topic.  More often then not, these guys hang up after 2 minutes or so.  I'm still working on how to get them to spill the beans on what they called for.  It seems to weird to just start moaning and rolling around without a cue.

Next time: Baffled guy calls to mock guys who call phone sex lines, and dude who just likes olives.